On My First Mother’s Day

Growing up, I wasn’t the girl dreaming of having kids, picking out baby names, babysitting the neighbor’s children or offering to hold a newborn. So now, it feels a bit unexpected to be a proud mama bear myself. So today, on my first Mother’s Day — and six months in to this adventure we call parenting — I wonder.

I wonder when I’ll ever sleep eight hours in a row again.

I wonder when I’ll fit back into my pre-pregnancy wardrobe.

I wonder if I’ll ever have the time to start regularly practicing yoga — let alone teaching it — again.

I wonder if in wanting those things if I’m being too selfish for the life I once led.

I wonder if we waited too long to have a baby.

I wonder what would have happened if I wasn’t infertile for so long.

I wonder if the sense of all consuming anxiety of “will she be okay?” will ever fade away.

I wonder when my doubts and fears of doing her right will be surpassed with the belief that I can survive this thing call motherhood.

…but then…

I wonder how she can get so big so fast.

I wonder if she’ll ever know how many people find joy in seeing her picture.

I wonder how big my own mom’s smile will be when she sees her granddaughter later today.

I wonder if and when we’ll have another child so that she can have a sibling to grow up with.

I wonder if I’ll do her right in showing her how to be a thoughtful, kind, smart human being.

I wonder the person she’ll be become. The career she’ll have. The life she’ll lead.

And, most importantly, I wonder what I ever did without her.

So Brenna, thank you. Thank you for showing me the world I never knew I wanted to explore. I couldn’t have asked for a better travel buddy. Let’s see where this adventure takes us next, little one.   Happy Mother’s Day to all you mamas out there.

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