Some of you may know Rachel Wilkerson. If not, you should. I consider her to be my social media guru. She writes a terrific blog (www.rachelwilkerson.com) and knows her stuff across the board.
She’s always sharing some great healthy living tips with a twist. I personally practice her First Rule:
(c/o rachelwilkerson.com)
What Rachel really means is knowing the difference between “good ridiculous” and “bad ridiculous”. Kind of like the difference between “good crazy” and “bad crazy”. Totally me, right?
This week, Rachel presented her Fourth Rule:
(c/o rachelwilkerson.com)
She challenged her readers to stop feeling so guilty about the decisions they make and to just own them – no further discussion needed. Rachel said, “If you’re sick of feeling guilty and ready to own it, remember this: tell people what you want, what you’re doing, what you need. Don’t ask for permission or advice.”
This got me thinking about the things that I need to own up to owning. Instead, I realized the things that I need to own up to are actually owning me.
If you asked me what this blog is all about, I would describe Poise in Parma as a healthy living blog where you would find my ramblings on my search for balance in life, job, blog and dog. The key words in that description in my opinion are “healthy” and “balance”. Ultimately, the combination of those two words is what I am seeking in life. That is what has inspired my mantra for 2010: “Be Happy. Be Healthy. Just Be.”
So I write about seeking balance while enjoying my adventures in here Cleveland. I DO OWN that I love this town, no matter how much hell I get for never leaving. Yes, I still live in Parma. Yes, we sometimes wear white socks with black shoes. Yes, we like pink flamingos and eat a lot of pierogies. But it’s home and it’s mine. It’s not just the concept of “grow where you are planted” – I want to FLOURISH. But unfortunately, I’ve let something get in my way of this.
Since 2009, I have struggled with depression and anxiety disorders.
It’s important to note that depression and anxiety are not the same. I once read (pretty sure it was in Geneen Roth’s Women Food and God) that depression is stemmed from the guilt of past wrongs while anxiety stems from worry about future happenings.
This all might come as a surprise to some of you, as I try to keep the majority of the posts on the blog pretty light-hearted and positive in nature. I play the happy hostess, the uber-organized event planner, the “perfect” first child – but at the end of the day, the emotions of hopelessness, guilt and fear overwhelm me.
When the depression sets in, my energy levels are low: I don’t want to make dinner for Hans, I don’t want to go for a walk with Grady, I don’t want to work out and I don’t want to leave the couch. I just want to be left alone.
And then around 10PM, the depression switches to anxiety: I stress about work, family, friends, the house, the bills, etc. All this stressing leads to poor sleep patterns that only lead to more anxiety about not getting enough sleep. I wake up every 45 minutes throughout the night. I can’t remember the last night I slept a solid, uninterrupted eight hours.
I started to seek professional help in the fall of 2009. Now in August 2010, I am now on my third therapist and finally feel that I have the right relationship to get me back to health. Unfortunately, many of my coping mechanisms still plague me in my recovery. While I’m not ready to share those with you at this time, it’s a day-to-day and night-to-night struggle that has consumed me.
This struggle with depression and anxiety compromises how I live my life every single day: how I function at work, how I maintain personal relationships, and how I achieve my life goals. And as Twisted Sister sang back in 1984 – I’m not gonna take it anymore.
I am DONE letting these disorders own me. Instead, I am ready to declare:
I am ready to own the following:
- Yes, I am battling depression and anxiety. I own this.
- Yes, I take anxiety medications as needed on an episodic basis. I own this.
- Yes, I have tried prescription sleeping meds. (They haven’t worked, yet.) I own this.
- Yes, I’ve spent many hours in a therapist chair. I own this.
- Yes, I use various coping mechanisms to avoid my feelings. I own this.
But the most important thing for me to own in this moment – in the words of my #GoldenGirl Meredith:
I AM EPIC AND SO IS MY LIFE.
I will not let my depression and anxiety own me any longer. No more days following on my family room couch. No more nights filled with restless sleep. No more morning panic attacks. Life is too short to wallow around and let everything pass you by. I’m being ridiculous – in the bad way – by succumbing to this for so long.
I want to live again. I am ready to own my life again. Give me the deed – I’m ready to sign. To Shawshank it up: “Get busy livin’ or get busy dying.” The first option is SO much better than the latter.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Meredith Gleason and Alicia Hansen, Alicia Hansen. Alicia Hansen said: new post: in honor of @RachelGettingIt: I'm ready to own this: http://www.poiseinparma.com/?p=2349 [...]
This is SUCH an awesome post. You are so incredibly brave to share this and I hope it was therapeutic for you in some way. It breaks my heart to know what you are dealing with but I love that you are ready to stop your depression and anxiety from owning you. You are wonderful and i know you can get through this!! <3 <3 <3
This post had me smiling by the end. You are such an awesome person. It looks like you’ve really hit a turning point. I do believe all these negative things in life like anxiety and sleepless nights will start to get better. Good Job Girl
You truly are EPIC. I’m so proud to call you a friend and a #goldengirl big sis.
Wow Alicia, that was incredibly awesome of you to open up like that to all of use! Sometimes I think we read people’s blogs and think we really know them, but in reality, we really don’t. I mean not really. Our blogs can be all about what we want everyone to see and maybe even the kind of person we want to be perceived as. I’m so glad you shared with us and keep up the good work. And that Shawshank quote is absolutely one of my favorites & I say it to myself very often!
You are not only epic, but all of the following: compassionate, smart, funny, beautiful, creative, real, honest, loving, kind, strong, caring, grounded and SO much more.
You are on a road to figuring it out, it takes time and there will be good days & bad days. You will overcome and roll out being even stronger and an even better person.
Remember this takes time & in the end will teach patience (as it did for me). Know that this does not define who you are, because you are so much more and will always be.
I love this! And yes you are EPIC!
Such an inspiring and brave post Alicia!
I love and totally get your mantra, I say all the the time “I just want to be”…I am also a night stressor.
Congratulations on owning it and I am sure that you will sleep peacefully tonight.
xoxo. enough said, friend. as always, you are truly one of the greatest people walking among us!
Alicia, this post is so powerful. I’m proud of you for being so honest and open. I think there are a lot of people who feel the same, but never show it. Those people will take comfort in hearing you talk about your own struggles.
Congratulations for being the best you that you can be!! OWN IT, SISTER.
This is so amazing and inspirational! I applaud you for having the courage to share all of this; you are definitely going to touch many lives with your words. I completely agree that it’s high time we stop apologizing for ourselves; constantly saying sorry is no way to go through life.
What a powerful post. I commend your courage to be so honest and open. Its the first step to getting through your struggles. Having battled an eating disorder mixed with anxiety and depression (which as you said are SO different), I know that what helped me get better was admitting my problems and saying it out loud. Its so powerful to stand up for yourself. Take charge, lady
You rock!
Awesome post. You are epic!
KUDOS my friend. This had to be extremely moving to finally write and post for all the world to see. As someone who battled mild anxiety (and still does) my heart goes out to you. It’s scary, disruptive and at times, seems impossible to combat. You are doing it, though! Don’t let anyone take that away from you! xoxo
[...] owned that what she is dealing with may be the exact opposite of what she shows on her blog and [...]
Alicia – this is my favorite post of yours, ever. So brave, so honest, so real – I know it took strength to “out” yourself in a way on your blog, but it’s great, and like others have mentioned above, it must be a little bit therapeutic to get it out there in the open huh? As a blogger, I struggle with being totally 100% “real” ALL of the time. I mean – NONE of my posts are fictitious, I just sometimes worry about being so honest for fear of judgment or whatever. Totally ridiculous though – I’m with you, I need to full OWN IT, too, and have been trying to do that more and more often lately. Thanks for the reminder, you epic thang, you.
[...] hardest post she’s ever written,” I knew it was going to be big. And it was — she owned the anxiety and depression she’s been battling in secret and declared that they will… Seriously, a brave [...]
I’m very proud of you for owning this. What a major step in your healing process!!
What a great post, Alicia!
You are strong, brave and so incredibly inspiring. I actually teared up a bit reading some of this, parts of it really hit home with me. I hope you flourish, thrive and grow taller than sunflowers (they’re pretty freakin’ tall, yo’). And I hope that at the end of the day, there are some epic golden retriever cuddles, licks and loves that remind you that you are so worth it. You are awesome. 
I’ve been dealing with a similar struggle lately. Hope getting it out there helped and you are stronger than ever!
It was SO nice meeting you yesterday. Let’s keep in touch
This is an excellent post. Way to take ownership. Maybe I need to get my items on my blog and declare my ownership…thank you again!!
[...] an attempt to own what has been owning me, I’ve tried my best to let go of the anxiety controlling my life. As the month of December [...]
I just saw this post after being linked to it through some others of yours that I was reading. I so relate to this. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety disorder since June 2009. I have hit complete rock bottom. And I have come back. Because of our continued efforts to have a child through in vitro, I cannot be on any medications when going through a cycle, so I have been off all meds since mid-january. Just because I stopped taking the medication does not mean that the depression and the anxiety went away. Every day is a day that I have to own this and live with this. If you ever need to talk…
Alicia,
I just wanted to thank you again for this post. I’ve bookmarked it and often return to it.
Thank you,
Lauren